"You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, I think I want to marry you!"
Rolf was standing at the elevator in the office and said those words to Karin when she walked up to it a few days after he had started his first job.
It was the beginning of a beautiful and passionate love affair that would last to just before Rolf left Germany. The break almost tore him apart and she never really faded from his memory.
Chapter VI - Karin
A Love Story
Right after graduation Rolf started to work at a royalty company, a job that his Uncle Franz had arranged. Within a couple of days he had a chance encounter with a woman that would change his life and have an impact on Rolf for a long time. He fell deeply in love and the two of them were inseparable for the next two years. Karin lived with Rolf at the mansion in Schlachtensee, but they would spend most of their time in Bad Wiessee at his uncle's house. He came very close to stop his plans to leave Germany, but found himself unable to do so. The break with Karin just before he left almost destroyed Rolf.
Karin would remain close friends with Franz and she spent much of her time at his house in the Jaegerwinkel after Rolf left.
Rolf never saw her again, although several times came close to doing so. The last time in late 1973 when Rolf stopped in Berlin for a week on his way from Rome to Cologne. Karin was in Bad Wiessee and his mother urged him to go. That emotional discussion is outlined in detail in one of the following chapters.
When Franz died in 1982 the last link was broken.
Click on the links below to follow this powerful and emotional story.
Karin would remain close friends with Franz and she spent much of her time at his house in the Jaegerwinkel after Rolf left.
Rolf never saw her again, although several times came close to doing so. The last time in late 1973 when Rolf stopped in Berlin for a week on his way from Rome to Cologne. Karin was in Bad Wiessee and his mother urged him to go. That emotional discussion is outlined in detail in one of the following chapters.
When Franz died in 1982 the last link was broken.
Click on the links below to follow this powerful and emotional story.
Karin at the Company Christmas Party 1958
The first time Rolf saw the picture he knew that it showed those beautiful eyes that he fell in love with and would never forget.
In April 1960 when Karin decided she had to put an end to the torment she and Rolf faced, she would attach the letter of good-bye to the picture and put it into a photo album in a way so no one could see it. She wrote 'so you do not have to destroy the picture if you do not want to see the letter anymore. I want for us to always remember the beautiful memories'. The letter is dated April 27, 1960, a day in Rolf's life he would never forget.
The letter has survived and now is part of a scrap book Rolf and Patricia put together after a highly emotional visit to Berlin.
In April 1960 when Karin decided she had to put an end to the torment she and Rolf faced, she would attach the letter of good-bye to the picture and put it into a photo album in a way so no one could see it. She wrote 'so you do not have to destroy the picture if you do not want to see the letter anymore. I want for us to always remember the beautiful memories'. The letter is dated April 27, 1960, a day in Rolf's life he would never forget.
The letter has survived and now is part of a scrap book Rolf and Patricia put together after a highly emotional visit to Berlin.
Wittenberg Platz - Berlin
The large building to the left is the head office of GEMA Germany, the company Rolf worked at and where he met Karin. Europe's largest department store, the KaDeWe is to the right front. The Subway station is in the center. It was a short walk to the Ku-Damm and the Zoo station.
Tegernsee - Looking at Bad Wiessee
The mountain lake, at the foothills of the Alps is a world renown spa and resort. In 1949 Franz decided to build a house here and lived in it until his death in 1982. Rolf would spend virtually all his school vacations here; and during his last two years in Germany essentially lived there with Karin. For the both of them there are many memories attached to the little town and the shores of the lake.
Bad Wiessee - The Jaegerwinkel on a wintry day
The beauty of the little resort town was most prevelant in the winter, when sometimes the snow would fall slowly for weeks at a time. .
Tegernsee - As seen from the Kurpark in Bad Wiessee
It was here that, during the early days in their relationship, Karin and Rolf talked one night about their war experiences, troubled memories and nightmares. The bond they forged during those days could never be broken. The following story tells the heartbreaking experience of Karin and her family loosing everything during a night of terror after an air bombardment wiped out the district they lived in. Her baby sister was killed by the collapsed building.
"Karin was standing in the street across from the burning apartment building where she had lived with her mother, baby sister and older brother. The heat was searing her face. Her mother was being restrained from entering the building trying to save her three year old daughter who was caught on the fourth floor. Her older son came running out of the door, his clothing aflame. He was doused and taken away. All of a sudden there was a tremendous roar; the building was collapsing floor by floor, leaving only the facade standing. Karin ran from the heat and dust, loosing her mother for several days. She would have nightmares about that day for the rest of her life".
"Karin was standing in the street across from the burning apartment building where she had lived with her mother, baby sister and older brother. The heat was searing her face. Her mother was being restrained from entering the building trying to save her three year old daughter who was caught on the fourth floor. Her older son came running out of the door, his clothing aflame. He was doused and taken away. All of a sudden there was a tremendous roar; the building was collapsing floor by floor, leaving only the facade standing. Karin ran from the heat and dust, loosing her mother for several days. She would have nightmares about that day for the rest of her life".
House offered to Karin and Rolf - Picture taken in 2008
Franz offered this house to the two of them for their lifetime through his foundation, if Rolf would give up his plans to leave Germany. He also would give them a car and furnish the house any way they wanted. Rolf agonized for a long time but his goals remained too powerful to ignore. Just before leaving Bad Wiesse for the last time in February 1960 Rolf told Franz and Karin that he was unable to accept the offer. They remained extremely close for the next couple of months, but Karin realized that she had to put a stop to the torment for the both of them and set Rolf loose.
Rolf and Patricia walked to the house during their visit to Bad Wiessee. After almost 50 years it seemed that the past came alive.
One Day Rolf had gone to town to do some shoping and Rosie took advantage and cornered Karin to have lunch with her. They took Cingo and went to the Pub, where Rosie proceeded to fish for information as to their future plans. That interesting discussion is outlined in the following paragraph.
"I understand that the past is a heavy burden on both of you - I just feel that Rolf blames me for what happened to him. He is my son and I always have tried to do what is best for him under the most difficult of circumstances. Please take good care of him - he has been hurt badly" Rosie to Karin during a rare one on one discussion.
Zermatt, Switzerland
Zermatt taxi service. The resort in the Swiss Alps has no cars. Karin and Rolf arrived here after the disastrous visit to Lugano to tell his mother about his migration plans. Franz had sent them to this beautiful place to calm down.
Glacier Express pulling up the Mountain to Zermatt
Some of the world's most spectacular scenery can be seen from this train.
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Grand Hotel - Zermatt with Matterhorn in back at Sunset
One hundred and thirty years old, the great dame of Zermatt Hotels was home during an emotional three day stay with Karin after their abortive trip to Lugano.
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"You have never cared what I did, so why now?" Rolf during a confrontation with his mother and Fritz in Lugano about his plans to leave Germany.
"I am the one leaving Karin, but I must do what I am meant to do".
The Days with Karin in Zermatt
During the Switzerland years, Rolf had been in this beautiful and unique mountain resort several times. For Karin this was a first. She was awed by the towering Matterhorn and thought it was strange that Rolf would live on a street in Berlin named after this mountain.
She looked at Rolf, who had been unusually subdued since they had left Lugano. She was deeply worried about him and wished that she could help.
When they got to their room, he took her into his arms and held her for a long time, silently. She felt his strength but also sensed his desperation. After a while she could feel his body shaking, he was crying. He looked at her through the tears in his eyes with all the love and devotion he felt for this woman. He kept shaking his head slowly and told her "Please hold me, do not let me go for a long time". The days were long gone where Rolf was afraid to show his emotions in front of Karin.
It was late in the afternoon that they decided to freshen up and go out for dinner. It had been a long two days with the train rides and a lack of sleep. They were exhausted but not really tired. He pulled Karin close to him and smiled "Dinner can wait a couple of hours". It was the first smile she had seen on him since they left Bad Wiessee.
They had a beautiful dinner and went to a nightclub, where they stayed until day broke, mingling with locals and tourists. Over the next couple of days Rolf showed Karin around town and they talked a lot about their lives and what the future would hold for them. They skirted the issue of time relentlessly running out to make a decision, both of them being fully aware that the day was drawing closer.
Lugano - Switzerland
Franz owned a house on the lake in this high society resort town, where Rosie and Fritz would spend most of their time after travel restrictions were lifted. Rolf only visited infrequently here.
The Sacher Hotel - Vienna
Karin and Rolf spent three days in this luxurious Vienna landmark in the beginning of 1960. Franz had sent them here to talk things out as the pressure was gradually building up for Rolf to make a decision. It was a beautiful time in this romantic city, but ultimately nothing was resolved.
The stairs to the platform of the S-Bahn station in Schlachtensee - The "Stairs of Tears"
Rolf had walked up down the stairs thousands of times when commuting to school or going on dates. During the last few months prior to leaving Berlin they would become a symbol of his battle with himself.
Irgendwann (Gibt's ein Wiedersehn)
Some Day we will meet again
As 1959 was drawing to a close, Rolf and Karin started to realize that time was running out. The would spend much time in Franz' study watching him compose, huddled together, never wanting go let go of each other.
One night Franz was working with another composer and not getting anywhere. They decided to write a song for the two lovers. Haunting and beautiful it became a huge hit with one of Germany's biggest recording stars. It was released by L. Olias. The song is now in the public domain.
Berlin - The Annual GEMA Gala Party
Karin with Rolf at an official function early in their relationship. As Rolf was considered a prodigy he was seated at the chairman's table with his date, Karin. This did not exactly please some of the other junior employees. Both of them would be pulled out of their jobs by Franz and be put on special assignment working out of the Munich office.
Translation of letter from Karin to Rolf given to him New Year's day 1960 when she began to realize that time for them was running out. It was the beginning of a highly emotional four months period for the both of them until the final break-up.
At the Jaegerwinkel - Bad Wiessee
Translation of Letter Dated January 1, 1960
My Love,
It is with a heavy heart that I wish you a happy new year. May it bring fulfillment of all you desire in your life. I wish we did not have to go back to Berlin in a couple of weeks. You seem to be so happy here. Our upcoming return to Bad Wiessee in February will take us a step closer to the day we must say good bye. I am so very afraid of that day. Although I have resigned myself to it, I simply cannot imagine what it will be like to do that.
In one fleeting moment that seems such a long, long time ago, something magical happened. We stood in front of an elevator and you took my heart. Soon you will be breaking it - I know that you will. I have lived with that realization for some time now.
Still, I will go on loving you. Nothing can ever change that. With you I have found a happiness I did not know existed.
There are many people who in a lifetime will not experience even for one day what we have. For that I am grateful. I will treasure whatever time we have left together. The emptiness that will follow when you are gone will last forever. Please, Rolf, love me, hold me, touch me and comfort me for as long as you are by my side, so I will have memories I can lean on during those awful lonely days and nights that will come along with the tears that I will not be able to stop.
I can tell that you are badly torn as to what to do. I can feel it and see it in your eyes. Those beautiful eyes, that show me that you are deeply troubled. It hurts me, but only you can make these decisions. I cannot help you.
The other night before we left Berlin, when Cingo woke me up and I found you crying, I felt frightened and so very helpless. All I could do was hold you, hoping that you could draw some strength from me.
I am afraid that there will be many more nights like this.
I have given you all I have, as I know that you did too. Fate cannot be changed, and what is not meant to be, never will. We have lived a dream and all dreams must end. That night in Bad Wiessee during our first visit when you told me about your plans, I began to fully understand you and I admired you for your honesty and drive to accomplish what you have set out to do.
Today, as every day, i will take you into my arms, look into your eyes and beg that your love for me is as deep as it was yesterday. Forgive me for feeling sad.
Lets live each day as if there is no tomorrow.K.
1958 Gema Christmas Party
At the Executive Table - Karin took the picture. The Champagne kept flowing.
Karin and Rolf had come to Berlin for a few days to attend the party and would return to Bavaria the next day.
It would be the only such party in Berlin they attended.
Karin and Rolf had come to Berlin for a few days to attend the party and would return to Bavaria the next day.
It would be the only such party in Berlin they attended.
The long journey into darkness begins
Rolf felt like he was in a daze, every bone in his body was aching. He did not know what to do next. It had never occurred to him that there would be that much pain. He knew that the tears would come later.
Rolf after the break-up with Karin.
Rolf after the break-up with Karin.
A Moment in Time and Transition
It was April 27, 1960. Karin had returned in the early afternoon from a short visit to her parents. She appeared to be deep in thought and Rolf felt that something was not right. They went to the Fischerhuette for dinner to celebrate their second anniversary of having made love for the first time. They walked back to the house, just like they had done two long years ago.
They made love with a desperate passion, Karin clinging to him for a long time. Rolf did not sleep much, he was worried about Karin. He knew that something was wrong. When they got up, Karin asked if they could take out a boat for the day. They packed some snacks, a bottle of wine and some blankets, as it was a bit chilly. Cingo knew that he would go with them in the boat and was all excited. As always, the peace and tranquility of the lake worked it’s magic, soothing Rolf’s nerves. He kept looking at Karin.
Karin did not say much, she just looked at Rolf with those beautiful sad eyes, that he loved so much. They brought in the boat in the late afternoon and on the way back stopped at the Pub for a bite to eat. Karin just picked at her food and looked like she was going to cry any moment. Rolf was getting alarmed.
On the way back to the house the tears started to come. She asked him not to say anything, just hold her and love her. “Whatever happens, do not ever stop loving me”. When they got home she took his hand and led him to the sofa to sit down. She gave him a letter of good bye. “You must be free to do whatever you have to do, I cannot stand in your way anymore. I know that you have been fighting a battle as to what to do. I cannot bear to see you tormented like that. I want the memories to remain beautiful for the rest of our lives”.
Rolf took her into his arms, silently, holding her tight, the tears flowing, never wanting to let go. Deep down he knew that it was the last time he would hold the woman in his arms, who had given him so much over the past two years. He had known happiness he did not know was possible; now he would learn to live with despair. He was terrified of the future.
They walked slowly to the station, went up to the platform. Rolf felt like he was in a daze. He was just going through the motions. They let three trains come and go; just holding on to each other. They kissed one last time. Rolf whispered the word ‘Irgendwann’ into her ear, causing a brief tearful smile. She stepped into the next train and the doors closed.
Rolf stood on the station platform looking at the lights of the train disappearing in the darkness as it rounded the curve pulling out of Schlachtensee station. He was shaking like he had a fever, her last kiss lingered on his lips. He refused to face reality, Karin could not have left him. As he slowly walked down the stairs into Breisgauer Strasse, he felt that every step he took hurt. He was alone in the darkness and the total silence of the night. He wanted to scream. Karin had left him. He had known that the day would come, now that it was here, he was devastated. Somehow he made it back to the house and his apartment.
As April 29, 1960 dawned Rolf was sitting in his living room staring into the emptiness that surrounded him. It was the first time in a long time that he was alone. Every fiber of his being hurt, he felt numb, so hurt that he could not even cry.
It had never occurred to him that there would be that much pain. His mind was racing, he was incapable of rational thought. The tears, he knew, would come again, later.
He yearned for a touch, to be held in those arms, for her sweet lips to be on his. He felt that a part of him had been torn away.
He had not slept, had not eaten, not even had a drink. He did not know what to do next. Cingo was on the couch next to him, with his head in Rolf’s lap, his eyes fixed on him. The dog knew something was very wrong. He would not leave his master’s side for several weeks.
Rolf was as alone as he could ever be, he had no one to talk to and he was scared. He called Franz, who already knew. He told Rolf in no uncertain terms that it was up to him to make things right. Karin would always be there for him, all it would take is one phone call. He asked Rolf to come down to Bad Wiessee and stay with him. “You need to be with someone” he told Rolf. He thought about it, but felt that there were too many memories. He did not go, nor would do so, before leaving Germany.
After a while he took Cingo and they went to the lake and sat there. Rolf was afraid of the approaching night, everything he would do or touch was going to remind him of Karin.
They went to the station pub to have something to eat and tell Lisl. She was very upset and tried to comfort Rolf. She gave him something to eat, he did not really care. They went home and Rolf tried to stretch out on the Sofa, as he was afraid to go into the bedroom. Cingo was next to him. Sleep did not come, the tears and the doubts did. He felt he had destroyed the most precious gift he ever had received, he had destroyed everything that had ever mattered to him.
Many times his hand started moving toward the telephone over the next few weeks, it always stopped short. He did not see or talk to anyone. Cingo was on command not to let anyone close to his quarters, that included his grandmother. He would, of course let Karin in, if she were to come, but that was highly unlikely.
As the days passed, he was trying to figure out what to do until he left. He decided to talk to a friend of his mother’s who was working for the US Army as a personnel manager. She got him a job with the sports authority at headquarters. Rolf was put in charge of the baseball and football field maintenance. The money was good, he had PX privileges and he even had a staff car with a driver at his disposal. It was a nice job but it would not take him where he wanted to go. It was a stepping stone.
He would go the pub every night with Cingo and stay there until the early morning hours. Sleep did not come easily, when it did come he had nightmares.
Rolf talked to Teja a couple of times, but had refused to see him.
Ingrid, who had heard from Teja about the break-up, called a couple of days later and asked if she could come and see him. He said OK, being fearful to talk about himself. She tried to comfort him, but realized that he was in denial. She had liked Rolf very much and felt bad for him.
She came to see him often and after a while tried to show some tenderness, remembering the happy times that they had together so long ago. She hoped that physical closeness would bring him out of the state of mind he was in. He totally rejected her with a finality that could not be mistaken. Ingrid now started to realize that the intensity of Rolf’s love for Karin was such that she could not really comprehend it. She told Rolf that she was awed.
He purchased his passage on the ’USS America’, still being ravaged by doubts about what he was doing.
The night before he was to leave Berlin, he went to their spot by the lake with Cingo. He sat on a rock and tried to focus on what he had to do. He looked at the moon lit lake that had become part of him over the years, having spent many hours with Karin by its shores. Feeling her arms around him and her gentle touch that he missed so very much, he came so close to give up his plans and return to her. Cingo looked at his master with those intelligent eyes in the darkness and was leaning close to him, as if he could feel the torment his master was facing.
He did not change his mind. Something very powerful kept him from doing so. Almost exactly five years after formulating his goals, he was going to put his plan into action. He was unable to divert from the path he had chosen for himself. The Professors last words to Rolf reverberated “Pursue your dreams with a single minded passion - do not ever waver from your path!’
“You must get on that train tonight” Rolf told himself, “There is no alternative, you must succeed and if you perish in the process, so be it”.
He was very angry now, no one had ever really cared about or been close to him, except for Karin and Franz. Lonely and angry. Angry about a lost childhood and the things the war had done to his life. Angry at himself for having hurt a woman badly who had become part of him and having destroyed their love.
He picked up his suitcase and walked out of the house. Glancing back at the big old mansion, which looked sinister in the darkness, he said good bye to his youth and the memories.
At one time he had thought that this would be the happiest day of his life, but all that had changed when Karin became part of him.
Fully focused now, he boarded the train to Bremerhaven, which would take him to the ship.
When he arrived in Bremerhaven he checked into the hotel he would be staying in for the night, before boarding the ship. Oma and Opa would arrive in the morning.
He walked down to the Pier and looked at the ‘USS America’, a big proud ocean liner that would carry him across the Atlantic. He felt no elation, only a hollow emptiness.
Oma and Opa arrived the next morning, and they went to the ship and boarded. They were allowed on deck until the sirens went off, indicating the imminent departure. They hugged and both of them cried. Rolf looked at them going down the Gangway. It was pulled in and the ship started to move away from the pier while a band played the traditional good bye song ‘Why must I leave this place’; shortly later it became a big Elvis hit from ‘GI Blues - Wooden Heart (Muss I denn zum Staedtele hinaus’.)
The streamers broke and Rolf was on his way. He had his chance to leave the ship during stops in Portsmouth and Le Havre, but did not do so.
He had his dreams, that was all he had. Little did he know that he would be facing a living hell for several years.
It would be seven years before Rolf returned to Berlin. He old mansion was gone, replaced by a modern structure. The memories had lingered. They always will.
A Time To Say Good Bye
I just don't want to waste another day
I'm trying to make things right
And I can't keep this inside
It's time to say goodbye
On the first day that I met you
I should have known to walk away
And disappear without a trace
But instead I stood there waiting
For you to tell me to my face
That you don’t want me
But you never could
It's time to say goodbye
(I just don't want to waste another day)
It's time to say goodbye
(Cause things will never be the same)
It's time to say goodbye
(You make me think I need to walk away)
It's time to say goodbye
Now I'm gone
It's too late
So you scream
So you cry
I can see
You’ll never be the same
Nor will I
Somewhere in the distance
There's a place for me to go
I don't want you to hate me
But I think you need to know
Wherever I go whatever I do
You will always be with me
So I guess it's time for me to say goodbye
Karin’s Transition
“Oh, what have I done” Karin said to herself as the train pulled out of the station “why am I not fighting to keep him?”. She saw his silhouette standing on the platform, slowly disappearing in the darkness. I love him so very much, there is no life without him. The tears came and did not stop for a long time.
She thought that she was prepared for this day, as she knew it was coming, she had known for almost two years. Now that it was here the impact shattered her.
When she got to her parent’s apartment, which she had not called home in a couple of years, she locked herself into her old room and stared at the phone. There was hope, although deep down she knew the wait would be futile.
She called Franz and talked to him for over an hour. He promised her that he would do everything in his power to keep Rolf here and get the two of them settled in Bad Wiessee.
She called the office and told them that she would not be back to work for a while, she was going to take all her accumulated vacation and free days, which would take her almost through the end of the year. She knew Rolf would not go back at all.
There was no way that she could even think about the future.
Sometime in August Franz called and told her that time was running out, Rolf had bought passage, leaving on September 12. He was coming to Berlin for one final time, trying to convince him to come down to Bavaria with her. She was grateful, but realized that it would be foolish to have any hope. She wrote a final letter of good bye and called Oma and Opa, if they would be kind enough to deliver it to Rolf in Bremerhaven.
She knew they were going to be the only ones to see him off, as they had called her to ask her to go with them to the ship, hoping that seeing her Rolf would have a last minute change of heart.
She had thought about that and decided that it simply would not work, aside from being afraid of her own reaction to seeing him.
Feeling numb, she made reservations to go to a small hotel in the Black Forrest, she wanted to be alone, with no one knowing how to contact her. She arrived, went to her room and broke down.
After a week she felt she needed to talk to someone, she called Franz and told him what she had done. He asked her to come to Wiessee and stay with him for a while. First she thought she could not do that, but decided to go. She had to face reality.
It was a very emotional arrival, Rolf was everywhere, but she now was proud of the memories. The nights were still very bad, she longed to feel him next to her and often woke up looking for him. There was only emptiness.
She stayed for over two months.
Franz told her that she would be welcome anytime she wanted to come down. She was grateful. After her return to Berlin she felt a little better, but still had a lot of problems sleeping.
Franz kept her informed about Rolf, with what little information he had. She would find about much later that the lack of communications was to a large degree the result of Rolf having had a very bad time in the beginning. She was so very proud of him and happy that he had accomplished what he had set out to do.
She knew, that if he had returned in defeat, he would not have come back to her. She could not imagine what he would have been like if that had happened.
The last communication she had from Franz about Rolf was six months before his death. Rolf had written to let him know that his marriage was failing and that a divorce was imminent.
Now the last link was broken.
Karin and Franz
Karin, having graduated two years before Rolf, had worked at GEMA handling Franz’s royalty accounts and had met with him several times, although she had never been to the Munich office or even been out of Berlin. She thought that he was rather nice, but it simply had been a professional relationship.
Little did she anticipate that soon she would be virtually a permanent resident at his house in Bad Wiessee. After she met Rolf and he told her how close he was to Franz, they would spend most of their time there, trying to sort out their complicated lives.
A first Karin was self conscious, but soon felt at completely at ease. Franz could tell that the two of them were deeply in love and encouraged them to make Bad Wiessee their home.
Franz loved to take Karin to Munich to go shopping, leaving Rolf behind in Bad Wiessee. They would go to fancy Restaurants and meet all kinds of famous people. Rolf always thought that there was a sinister purpose with Franz trying to take the
opportunity to put pressure on her to assert herself. Rolf was at ease with that as he knew Franz meant well. He trusted Karin completely.
The fact was that Franz was like a father to Rolf and wanted to make sure that his future was well taken care of. He thought that Karin was the best thing that could possibly have happened to him. He had a hard time comprehending Rolf’s ambitions taking him into an uncertain future.
In later years, after Rolf had left, Karin would spend a lot of time in Bad Wiessee, sometimes being oh so close to Rolf during his many visits to Germany. When she found out that he had been in Berlin she always wondered what would have happened if they had come across each other.
She was always grateful to Franz for all the help and emotional support he had given her. There were many times, when she walked by the house that was to have been their home she wondered what her life with Rolf would have been like in this beautiful place, that she had learned to love when she was here with him and during the many long visits since that time.
At times like that she would remember those days and the deep love that had never faded.
It was April 27, 1960. Karin had returned in the early afternoon from a short visit to her parents. She appeared to be deep in thought and Rolf felt that something was not right. They went to the Fischerhuette for dinner to celebrate their second anniversary of having made love for the first time. They walked back to the house, just like they had done two long years ago.
They made love with a desperate passion, Karin clinging to him for a long time. Rolf did not sleep much, he was worried about Karin. He knew that something was wrong. When they got up, Karin asked if they could take out a boat for the day. They packed some snacks, a bottle of wine and some blankets, as it was a bit chilly. Cingo knew that he would go with them in the boat and was all excited. As always, the peace and tranquility of the lake worked it’s magic, soothing Rolf’s nerves. He kept looking at Karin.
Karin did not say much, she just looked at Rolf with those beautiful sad eyes, that he loved so much. They brought in the boat in the late afternoon and on the way back stopped at the Pub for a bite to eat. Karin just picked at her food and looked like she was going to cry any moment. Rolf was getting alarmed.
On the way back to the house the tears started to come. She asked him not to say anything, just hold her and love her. “Whatever happens, do not ever stop loving me”. When they got home she took his hand and led him to the sofa to sit down. She gave him a letter of good bye. “You must be free to do whatever you have to do, I cannot stand in your way anymore. I know that you have been fighting a battle as to what to do. I cannot bear to see you tormented like that. I want the memories to remain beautiful for the rest of our lives”.
Rolf took her into his arms, silently, holding her tight, the tears flowing, never wanting to let go. Deep down he knew that it was the last time he would hold the woman in his arms, who had given him so much over the past two years. He had known happiness he did not know was possible; now he would learn to live with despair. He was terrified of the future.
They walked slowly to the station, went up to the platform. Rolf felt like he was in a daze. He was just going through the motions. They let three trains come and go; just holding on to each other. They kissed one last time. Rolf whispered the word ‘Irgendwann’ into her ear, causing a brief tearful smile. She stepped into the next train and the doors closed.
Rolf stood on the station platform looking at the lights of the train disappearing in the darkness as it rounded the curve pulling out of Schlachtensee station. He was shaking like he had a fever, her last kiss lingered on his lips. He refused to face reality, Karin could not have left him. As he slowly walked down the stairs into Breisgauer Strasse, he felt that every step he took hurt. He was alone in the darkness and the total silence of the night. He wanted to scream. Karin had left him. He had known that the day would come, now that it was here, he was devastated. Somehow he made it back to the house and his apartment.
As April 29, 1960 dawned Rolf was sitting in his living room staring into the emptiness that surrounded him. It was the first time in a long time that he was alone. Every fiber of his being hurt, he felt numb, so hurt that he could not even cry.
It had never occurred to him that there would be that much pain. His mind was racing, he was incapable of rational thought. The tears, he knew, would come again, later.
He yearned for a touch, to be held in those arms, for her sweet lips to be on his. He felt that a part of him had been torn away.
He had not slept, had not eaten, not even had a drink. He did not know what to do next. Cingo was on the couch next to him, with his head in Rolf’s lap, his eyes fixed on him. The dog knew something was very wrong. He would not leave his master’s side for several weeks.
Rolf was as alone as he could ever be, he had no one to talk to and he was scared. He called Franz, who already knew. He told Rolf in no uncertain terms that it was up to him to make things right. Karin would always be there for him, all it would take is one phone call. He asked Rolf to come down to Bad Wiessee and stay with him. “You need to be with someone” he told Rolf. He thought about it, but felt that there were too many memories. He did not go, nor would do so, before leaving Germany.
After a while he took Cingo and they went to the lake and sat there. Rolf was afraid of the approaching night, everything he would do or touch was going to remind him of Karin.
They went to the station pub to have something to eat and tell Lisl. She was very upset and tried to comfort Rolf. She gave him something to eat, he did not really care. They went home and Rolf tried to stretch out on the Sofa, as he was afraid to go into the bedroom. Cingo was next to him. Sleep did not come, the tears and the doubts did. He felt he had destroyed the most precious gift he ever had received, he had destroyed everything that had ever mattered to him.
Many times his hand started moving toward the telephone over the next few weeks, it always stopped short. He did not see or talk to anyone. Cingo was on command not to let anyone close to his quarters, that included his grandmother. He would, of course let Karin in, if she were to come, but that was highly unlikely.
As the days passed, he was trying to figure out what to do until he left. He decided to talk to a friend of his mother’s who was working for the US Army as a personnel manager. She got him a job with the sports authority at headquarters. Rolf was put in charge of the baseball and football field maintenance. The money was good, he had PX privileges and he even had a staff car with a driver at his disposal. It was a nice job but it would not take him where he wanted to go. It was a stepping stone.
He would go the pub every night with Cingo and stay there until the early morning hours. Sleep did not come easily, when it did come he had nightmares.
Rolf talked to Teja a couple of times, but had refused to see him.
Ingrid, who had heard from Teja about the break-up, called a couple of days later and asked if she could come and see him. He said OK, being fearful to talk about himself. She tried to comfort him, but realized that he was in denial. She had liked Rolf very much and felt bad for him.
She came to see him often and after a while tried to show some tenderness, remembering the happy times that they had together so long ago. She hoped that physical closeness would bring him out of the state of mind he was in. He totally rejected her with a finality that could not be mistaken. Ingrid now started to realize that the intensity of Rolf’s love for Karin was such that she could not really comprehend it. She told Rolf that she was awed.
He purchased his passage on the ’USS America’, still being ravaged by doubts about what he was doing.
The night before he was to leave Berlin, he went to their spot by the lake with Cingo. He sat on a rock and tried to focus on what he had to do. He looked at the moon lit lake that had become part of him over the years, having spent many hours with Karin by its shores. Feeling her arms around him and her gentle touch that he missed so very much, he came so close to give up his plans and return to her. Cingo looked at his master with those intelligent eyes in the darkness and was leaning close to him, as if he could feel the torment his master was facing.
He did not change his mind. Something very powerful kept him from doing so. Almost exactly five years after formulating his goals, he was going to put his plan into action. He was unable to divert from the path he had chosen for himself. The Professors last words to Rolf reverberated “Pursue your dreams with a single minded passion - do not ever waver from your path!’
“You must get on that train tonight” Rolf told himself, “There is no alternative, you must succeed and if you perish in the process, so be it”.
He was very angry now, no one had ever really cared about or been close to him, except for Karin and Franz. Lonely and angry. Angry about a lost childhood and the things the war had done to his life. Angry at himself for having hurt a woman badly who had become part of him and having destroyed their love.
He picked up his suitcase and walked out of the house. Glancing back at the big old mansion, which looked sinister in the darkness, he said good bye to his youth and the memories.
At one time he had thought that this would be the happiest day of his life, but all that had changed when Karin became part of him.
Fully focused now, he boarded the train to Bremerhaven, which would take him to the ship.
When he arrived in Bremerhaven he checked into the hotel he would be staying in for the night, before boarding the ship. Oma and Opa would arrive in the morning.
He walked down to the Pier and looked at the ‘USS America’, a big proud ocean liner that would carry him across the Atlantic. He felt no elation, only a hollow emptiness.
Oma and Opa arrived the next morning, and they went to the ship and boarded. They were allowed on deck until the sirens went off, indicating the imminent departure. They hugged and both of them cried. Rolf looked at them going down the Gangway. It was pulled in and the ship started to move away from the pier while a band played the traditional good bye song ‘Why must I leave this place’; shortly later it became a big Elvis hit from ‘GI Blues - Wooden Heart (Muss I denn zum Staedtele hinaus’.)
The streamers broke and Rolf was on his way. He had his chance to leave the ship during stops in Portsmouth and Le Havre, but did not do so.
He had his dreams, that was all he had. Little did he know that he would be facing a living hell for several years.
It would be seven years before Rolf returned to Berlin. He old mansion was gone, replaced by a modern structure. The memories had lingered. They always will.
A Time To Say Good Bye
I just don't want to waste another day
I'm trying to make things right
And I can't keep this inside
It's time to say goodbye
On the first day that I met you
I should have known to walk away
And disappear without a trace
But instead I stood there waiting
For you to tell me to my face
That you don’t want me
But you never could
It's time to say goodbye
(I just don't want to waste another day)
It's time to say goodbye
(Cause things will never be the same)
It's time to say goodbye
(You make me think I need to walk away)
It's time to say goodbye
Now I'm gone
It's too late
So you scream
So you cry
I can see
You’ll never be the same
Nor will I
Somewhere in the distance
There's a place for me to go
I don't want you to hate me
But I think you need to know
Wherever I go whatever I do
You will always be with me
So I guess it's time for me to say goodbye
Karin’s Transition
“Oh, what have I done” Karin said to herself as the train pulled out of the station “why am I not fighting to keep him?”. She saw his silhouette standing on the platform, slowly disappearing in the darkness. I love him so very much, there is no life without him. The tears came and did not stop for a long time.
She thought that she was prepared for this day, as she knew it was coming, she had known for almost two years. Now that it was here the impact shattered her.
When she got to her parent’s apartment, which she had not called home in a couple of years, she locked herself into her old room and stared at the phone. There was hope, although deep down she knew the wait would be futile.
She called Franz and talked to him for over an hour. He promised her that he would do everything in his power to keep Rolf here and get the two of them settled in Bad Wiessee.
She called the office and told them that she would not be back to work for a while, she was going to take all her accumulated vacation and free days, which would take her almost through the end of the year. She knew Rolf would not go back at all.
There was no way that she could even think about the future.
Sometime in August Franz called and told her that time was running out, Rolf had bought passage, leaving on September 12. He was coming to Berlin for one final time, trying to convince him to come down to Bavaria with her. She was grateful, but realized that it would be foolish to have any hope. She wrote a final letter of good bye and called Oma and Opa, if they would be kind enough to deliver it to Rolf in Bremerhaven.
She knew they were going to be the only ones to see him off, as they had called her to ask her to go with them to the ship, hoping that seeing her Rolf would have a last minute change of heart.
She had thought about that and decided that it simply would not work, aside from being afraid of her own reaction to seeing him.
Feeling numb, she made reservations to go to a small hotel in the Black Forrest, she wanted to be alone, with no one knowing how to contact her. She arrived, went to her room and broke down.
After a week she felt she needed to talk to someone, she called Franz and told him what she had done. He asked her to come to Wiessee and stay with him for a while. First she thought she could not do that, but decided to go. She had to face reality.
It was a very emotional arrival, Rolf was everywhere, but she now was proud of the memories. The nights were still very bad, she longed to feel him next to her and often woke up looking for him. There was only emptiness.
She stayed for over two months.
Franz told her that she would be welcome anytime she wanted to come down. She was grateful. After her return to Berlin she felt a little better, but still had a lot of problems sleeping.
Franz kept her informed about Rolf, with what little information he had. She would find about much later that the lack of communications was to a large degree the result of Rolf having had a very bad time in the beginning. She was so very proud of him and happy that he had accomplished what he had set out to do.
She knew, that if he had returned in defeat, he would not have come back to her. She could not imagine what he would have been like if that had happened.
The last communication she had from Franz about Rolf was six months before his death. Rolf had written to let him know that his marriage was failing and that a divorce was imminent.
Now the last link was broken.
Karin and Franz
Karin, having graduated two years before Rolf, had worked at GEMA handling Franz’s royalty accounts and had met with him several times, although she had never been to the Munich office or even been out of Berlin. She thought that he was rather nice, but it simply had been a professional relationship.
Little did she anticipate that soon she would be virtually a permanent resident at his house in Bad Wiessee. After she met Rolf and he told her how close he was to Franz, they would spend most of their time there, trying to sort out their complicated lives.
A first Karin was self conscious, but soon felt at completely at ease. Franz could tell that the two of them were deeply in love and encouraged them to make Bad Wiessee their home.
Franz loved to take Karin to Munich to go shopping, leaving Rolf behind in Bad Wiessee. They would go to fancy Restaurants and meet all kinds of famous people. Rolf always thought that there was a sinister purpose with Franz trying to take the
opportunity to put pressure on her to assert herself. Rolf was at ease with that as he knew Franz meant well. He trusted Karin completely.
The fact was that Franz was like a father to Rolf and wanted to make sure that his future was well taken care of. He thought that Karin was the best thing that could possibly have happened to him. He had a hard time comprehending Rolf’s ambitions taking him into an uncertain future.
In later years, after Rolf had left, Karin would spend a lot of time in Bad Wiessee, sometimes being oh so close to Rolf during his many visits to Germany. When she found out that he had been in Berlin she always wondered what would have happened if they had come across each other.
She was always grateful to Franz for all the help and emotional support he had given her. There were many times, when she walked by the house that was to have been their home she wondered what her life with Rolf would have been like in this beautiful place, that she had learned to love when she was here with him and during the many long visits since that time.
At times like that she would remember those days and the deep love that had never faded.
Rolf stood on the station platform looking at the lights of the train disappearing in the darkness as it rounded the curve pulling out of Schlachtensee station. He was shaking like he had a fever, her last kiss lingered on his lips. He refused to face reality, Karin could not have left him. As he slowly walked down the stairs into Breisgauer Strasse, he felt that every step he took hurt. He was alone in the darkness and the total silence of the night. He wanted to scream. Karin had left him. He had known that the day would come, now that it was here, he was devastated.